So here we are… I heal by helping others. By sharing my testimonies. By sharing my struggles. By sharing pieces of me. There is not much about myself that I am not willing share with someone who I feel needs to hear about me to help them. Sometimes though I’m selfish. And I need to be selfish because I need to heal. I cannot help anyone if I do not get some kind of closure from my situations. With my closure comes the tools that I can share of how to get through the journey and how someone else can too. As Joyce Meyer says, “I ain’t going to feed anything to anyone that I haven’t already ate myself!”
I am ready to share this piece of me. I have a moderate amount of closure although my life will always be missing a piece… We are expecting our second baby boy to be born July 2020. This will be our 3rd child. Well really our 4th. He will be our “Rainbow Baby.” You see we lost a baby last summer…
I never thought that I would be the one to lose a child. Honestly, who does? I had feared it all my life though. I had seen firsthand what it does to families. My family. Part of me and who I am is because my brother passed away at birth. His lungs were underdeveloped and his “heart was turned around.” I believe that my mother has a hole in her heart too and struggles with losing her baby boy. My father has always blamed himself. To this day, I honestly believe that he does not feel that he deserves love due to my brother’s death as if God is mad at him and therefore he keeps everyone at bay. He still hasn’t made it back from this one. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I refuse to allow myself to think that I am not worthy of love. Not worthy of God’s love. It’s a challenge as when things like this happen of course I question my faith as in “Why God… why me.” Yet it is not for me to answer or to have the answer…
Being in the healthcare industry, of course I saw mother’s lose their children. I would always think that I would rather the child go back to God in the beginning then to live a life of disabilities and suffering. This would have been my brother… But again, I never thought that I would have to deal with this. In my mind, I thought that God has given my enough struggles for a life time. I get so tired and feel that He uses me so much as a testimony for others that I really just wanted a few years of a break. I know that He will only give enough what we are strong enough to handle. But sometimes I’m just tired. I want everything to work out. And this is not His plan for me for some reason! I have these tests that I have to get through and keep a positive attitude along the way. I really don’t have to keep up the positive though. I have to tell myself this. That I can break for a minute. I can cry. I can be weak with the best of them and be woo is me but it’s so hard for me as I was raised to in my brother’s place. Taught to get it together. Be tough. Never cry. This is what my Dad taught me. As I write this, I am crying but trying to pull myself together because I’m not supposed to cry. Pshhh… western culture. Got us messed up!
The point that I am trying to make is that I lost a child even though I never thought that it would happen to me. I feel and have to believe that God gave me this struggle so that I can help others. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be keep alive as they are today” (Genesis 50:20). I have to believe that my child is in Heaven and that I will be able to bring someone else back to life with my story as the scripture says. I still believe that I would have rather have wanted my child to go back to God in the beginning. This is what I have to believe. There is a plan that we have no insight to. We just have to have faith.
Rainbow babies give us hope after the storm of life just as the rainbow within a worldly storm. Hope that things will be better. The rainbow comes after the storm and creates a beautiful picture of God’s promises. The beautiful and bright life has become due to the struggles that we have persevered through.
My husband and I are blessed that our marriage is stronger than it ever has been. While grieving, we prayed with each other. We loved each other. We accepted each other and didn’t lay blame to each other as to the lose that we had. Some couples are not this fortunate. This is my prayer for others that go through similar situations… That you forgive yourself, that you forgive each other, that you place yourself in His mercy and love and know that it is not for you to know the plan.
With Love & Gratitude,